But why?!

On my 41st birthday, I made a commitment to spend the next year reading the Bible. It was prompted by a gift from my parents, The Bible Recap by Tara-Leigh Cobble. The suggestion took root and here I am, on my porch swing with a cup of coffee and finishing today’s “assignment”. I’m venturing further into the book of Joshua and reading about the path Israel obediently took to claim the land promised in Exodus. I’ll be honest, the Old Testament is hard to wrap my modern brain around. It’s really hard to read about all the death and destruction. It’s also hard to read about God allowing the enemy to plague Job, one of God’s most obedient servants. From my worldly perspective and personal experience, it’s hard to witness and experience real-time struggles. I know some who are all too familiar with the crippling sting of death. Some who are all too familiar with the torment of war and various demonstrations of ugliness illustrating the enemy at work. Some, like my kids and me, who know all too deeply the slow, painful walk through a cancer journey and the torment of divorce and disappointment. It’s easy to ask why; to scream it at the top of your lungs until breathless.

Why do bad things happen to good people?!

Why do good things happen to bad people?!

Why is evil allowed to walk among us unchecked?!

Why is injustice supported and betrayal ignored?!

Why are there barriers to cures that save lives?!

These questions aren’t asked from a political platform but cried from a desperate mom and witness to others who are also hurting.

I’ve written about this before in my book, but that doesn’t mean I flip a switch and am cured of my case of the “why’s”. Asking why makes me feel small; and, standing at 6’2 makes that hard to do. I feel so small compared to the scale of what God is working around me for my good and His glory. It’s easier to try and piece it together retrospectively like I did in my book. Looking back provides empirical evidence to derive some earthly validation in the purpose. The truth is that revisiting the stories I’ve played a role in gives me courage to look back from the safety of shore instead of the stormy seas. But what happens in real-time struggle?

Gunner’s recent relapse exposed my recurring vulnerability to asking why. AI has evolved throughout Gunner’s journey and now, Dr. Google advanced to my personal oncology advisor with so many answers readily available and easy to digest.Tara-Leigh Cobble hit me with a powerful takeaway from today’s reading in Joshua:

Do I want answers or do I want God?

Regarding a simple, linear modality, having answers to uninhibited, abrasive inquisition doesn’t change anything. Having answers about side effects to treatment is advisory in nature, but it doesn’t stop them from occurring. Having an answer for projected prognosis doesn’t change what God has in store for Gunner’s timeline. Having answers is a kick of dopamine because it creates an illusion that I have control because I know more than I did before. Yes, knowledge is power; don’t get me wrong. My daily operation is based on a profession exploiting knowledge pathways for the sake of competence and success. I value educational streams. However, that isn’t meant to replace the overwhelming and powerful truth that God is in control and the only sustainable peace in chaos is God, not answers. 

As most of my momtras work, this one is only as good as the authenticity and humility I come with when marinating on it and praying over it. Please, Lord, reveal to me where I’m valuing answers above God. Make it known to me when my search for answers to ‘why’ overpowers my search for God’s provision and purpose in this. 

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding.” 

(Proverbs 3:5 NKJV)