Energy Audit

One of the stories in the Bible I’ve revisited most often lately is in the gospel of Matthew 14: 22 - 33. The story is when Jesus walks on water in the Sea of Galilee during a storm. Peter sees Jesus walking on water and calls out asking Him to command Peter to step out of the boat and walk out to Him. Peter confidently gets out of the boat and starts walking on water out to Jesus and on his way, Peter gets distracted by the waves and the storm; he takes his eyes off Jesus and begins to sink. He calls to Jesus who promptly reaches out and pulls Peter up saving him from drowning. He asks Peter, “Ye of little faith. Why did you doubt?”

I’m an obsessed viewer of the series, The Chosen. The authenticity of this series speaks to my desperate need to feel the influence of Jesus in my daily living and the accessibility of it meets me where I am at the times I need His influence most. The episode illustrating the gospel story above was the first in queue on the first night Gunner spent in isolation during MIBG treatment last April at Comer Hospital. It’s not lost on me the intentionality of this episode sequenced so appropriately at that stage.

Gunner was going to spend 90 minutes being infused with a radioactive isotope that would theoretically attach itself to the cells of his relapsed tumors. Once this infusion was complete, contact would be limited to necessary visits to his room for medicine distribution, measuring radiation levels in the room and emptying his catheter bag in the lead chamber. It would be another two weeks before I could have skin-to-skin contact with him. There was no turning back after that 90-minute infusion and I knew that would be the apex of my emotional response to this process. Knowing this, I maximized the opportunity for last minute cuddles in his lead-walled hospital bed and texted my pastor’s wife to please pray for a guardian angel to join Gunner in his room so he didn’t feel alone. Right at that moment, another dear friend from church texted me. This friend and I originally bonded at church as her husband was going through his own cancer journey. I was drawn to the familiarity of their testimony and inspired by their obedience in the face of overwhelming adversity. Her husband’s testimony was a calming voice even after his passing as I knew he was safe and whole with Jesus because of his faith on this side of Heaven. My friend and I hadn’t talked at all outside of church, but she texted me as the radiation doctors entered Gunner’s room to begin the infusion. She told me she was unsure why, but felt compelled to reach out and let me know prayers were being sent on our behalf and to not be afraid. Her first text to me at the perfect time was proof of God’s provision. The guardian angel I requested was being sent. Her husband, Scott, was interceding on Gunner’s behalf and standing in the gap and would be in that room with him. He was letting his wife and me both know he was there and all would be well.

As I walked out of the room so they could start the infusion, I was followed into my adjacent room by a nurse who had recently relocated to Chicago from Louisiana and was assigned to be the new MIBG nurse supporting families in the intense yet delicate procedure process. She and I hadn’t talked much before now as she was just observing and learning from her first exposure to this therapy. All I wanted was to be isolated and left alone with my feelings and to pray by myself. I’m not one to be rude so I entertained small talk for about two minutes before she said to me, “You’re a believer, aren’t you?” I was holding my grandma’s cross necklace I’ve worn since rededicating myself to follow Jesus. I nodded and she said, “I knew it. I felt drawn to follow you in here and be with you.” She sat with me for 90 minutes and we spoke of God’s faithful provision in the bleakest of times. At a time when I wanted to be isolated, God provided my son and me with guardian angels. I was so afraid for Gunner and me, but Jesus asked, “Ye of little faith. Why did you doubt?” He pulled me from the storm and fixed my gaze on Him by the way of guardian angels.

All too often and no less adequately, I refer to my life as a series of weathering storms and it’s a direct parallel to this story. Recently, I’ve been more like Peter and overcome by distraction, my gaze drawn away from Jesus and I’m here to confess – I’ve been drowning.

I’m admittedly transparent about my mom life and my Momtra website is evidence of that as it’s dedicated to sharing my experiences and takeaways from the colorfully unique stories with my equally unique kids. Taking this dedication to transparency a step further, I’ve turned these blogs into a book as a way to more broadly share my testimony as a mom in a more accessible way to reach other moms clinging to the promises of our faithful Lord. More to come on that project, but suffice it to say, I’m dedicated to openly sharing my mom heart with others who similarly value their role as a sufficient steward of the gifts God entrusted to them. One area of my heart I don’t so willingly share is the brokenness that’s come from my path to being a full-time single mom. My divorce has been an impactful grieving process for my kids and me, and while I’m still uncomfortable and unwilling to share the more intimate details that still require healing and continual navigation, the broader context is enough to move forward with what I’m communicating here.

Just like Peter and the rest of the disciples, I gratefully proclaim and glorify the miracles I’ve witnessed and the provision I’ve experienced in every storm. And just like Peter in the gospel of Matthew, I still get distracted and take my eyes off the one who calms the storms and protects me from drowning. The enemy is to blame and intentional with earthly distraction. I’ve been beaten down by it lately and let it distract my gaze. The good news worth proclaiming is that I am a child of God and know the truth. I’ve called out for help and by His mercy, have been saved from the crashing waves of the enemy trying to drown me. By the grace of God, I’m given a renewed spirit. What does it actually look like to remove the enemy’s earthly distractions averting my gaze?

It looks like an energy audit.

I’ve done two blogs on energy — one referring to energy as a transcending spiritual impact and another as kinetic currency necessarily budgeted to sustain quality of life. My audit is of the latter. Lately, I’ve been going through this phase of up all night and only giving a percentage of my attention to my kids, my work, my house and my other responsibilities. I’ve been surviving and settling for that percentage because I allowed myself to be consumed by the toxic waves around me. That’s so easy to do and I’m not here to judge myself or my readers for doing that. The fact is that it’s not sustainable and my kids deserve better. They deserve more than what I was wasting in energy on these earthly distractions. I was becoming obsessed with checking and responding to every lawyer email and hoarse from screaming my side of the story to a deaf courtroom. My character questioned. Testimony devalued. Evidence excused. The injustice was consuming me. To what end? Will it ever end? And what will I have wasted in the meantime? I was energy poor and wondering what I subscribed to that was depleting my budget. It was time for an audit and painfully examine where I was frivolously spending energy on worry and an endless hunt for closure that would be better spent enriching our lives, our relationships with each other, and more abundantly enriching our relationship with God.

Just like any inefficient budget, I audit current expenses starting with what’s required to maintain basic needs. I’ve been so distracted lately that I lost the ability to recognize basic needs to calibrate my expenses. I started there. How do I prioritize my energy spending?

Regardless of distractions, my kids deserve to have an environment and lifestyle promoting their continued success. What they have is working. They are thriving. I fear disruption of that and want to remain committed to what my kids need and deserve for continued growth, healing, and success:

• Sustained expectations to help them better conceptualize and navigate their environment and relationship dynamics within.

• Consistency in routine to support the neuro-nuances of my children supporting regulation and subsequent cognitive capacity.

• Safety in physical, emotional, and mental capacities.

• Support and attunement to explore and honestly communicate their feelings throughout this journey.

No matter what storms swirl around me, I can calibrate to these objectives and determine if the energy spent aligns with them. I can equate my energy to the bearing of what’s listed here. How do I move forward to assume the energy expenses required to maintain these objectives?

Back to my boy, Peter. This time, in his own gospel in 1 Peter 1: 13 - 14. “Therefore gird up the loins of your mind, be sober, and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ; as obedient children, not conforming yourselves to the former lusts, as in your ignorance.” This translates into — adapt, overcome and mom on. Stay obedient in my energy expenses and stay true to the objectives I’ve defined. When life’s storms swirl, all I need to do is call out for help, fix my gaze, and audit my energy expenses in calibration with what is necessary to maintain the thriving trajectory my kids are on and the quality of life they deserve. I’m the only one with the authority to approve energy expenses and have every lenience to audit appropriately and as often as necessary.