2 Momtras for the Price of 1

Having kids is the most humbling experience that ever existed. I create this little thing, let it cook for the recommended amount of time and push it out into the world. Then, there’s an infomercial voiceover saying, “Now, wait. There’s more!” Not only did I physically create them in my own image, but now I’m raising them in the same way. They are my own image. Meaning, they pick up what I’m putting down. They smell what I’m stepping in. They’re vibing with the mad beats I’m putting down. Is that last one an actual saying? Not even sure it applies to the analogy, so let’s move on. I’m just saying that I am modeling the behavior I see in them. I CAN model the behavior I WANT to see in them. 

The other day, I was in a majorly heated discussion with Caden. Let me tell you, it was a deeply-rooted philosophical discussion that I’m sure he’ll recall one day as the most pivotal coming-of-age moment he can remember. Yep. I’m being sarcastic. We were arguing about the fact that no one is sneaking into his bathroom at night and putting toothpaste on his toothbrush making the bristles hard. He could not bring himself down to the level of humility it took to admit he just doesn’t rinse the damn thing out good enough after brushing his teeth before bed. Nope. He’s my kid and wanted to be right and I’m me, so we argued. I finally realized what kind of behavior I was modeling when I called my dad to be on my side and try to prove to this 11-year old child that I was right and there’s no phantom menace going around putting toothpaste on unsuspecting kids’ toothbrushes just to mess with them in the morning by making their bristles too hard to brush their teeth. Ultimately, this was all an elaborate excuse as to why he didn’t brush his teeth that morning. 

As I’ve mentioned throughout previous blogs, each of my kids has unique needs. This will absolutely play a role in their ability to process and retain auditory information. 

• Caden has autism and two of his neurotransmitters function at a lower level than his neurotypical peers. Meaning, information is riding a bicycle from Point A to Point B while other kids get the family SUV loaded down with information and head out. Or, in my nephew Jack’s case, he’s got a sprint car making synaptic connections like he’s late for church. 

• Willow has a myofunctional disorder that has affected the oxygen reaching her brain appropriately and is working to retrain the physical to aid in the mental. In her case, she gets wrapped up in Willow World and while it’s a beautiful place to get trapped, it does make it hard to follow that yellow brick road through Oz. I seriously don’t know which character she is in that analogy now that I think about it. 

• Gunner had a cognitive delay prior to diagnosis that manifested primarily in a substantial speech delay. That has since been a snowball into behavior and emotional regulation problems and while his receptive language is one of his stronger areas, his brain is still fighting a lot of other obstacles on a daily basis in order to effectively process and retain information. Plus, I don’t know if I’ll ever fully know or understand the extent to which the chemo, radiation, tumors, or scans played into his actual neurological development. On top of that, the formative years of exposing him to cognitively-progressive experiences were hijacked by hospital stays, medical examinations and pain. So, this little badass has earned the right to take his sweet ass time understanding a concept and demonstrating mastery of it. Don’t worry. I’ll wait. 

The point of all of this explanation is not to make excuses as to why all of my children don’t listen well, have meltdowns, or struggle in school. If you know me well enough, you know I don’t deal in excuses. I deal in accountability and action. My expectations for my kids’ behavior and cognitive progress does not change because of what they have to overcome to achieve it. It is first and foremost a consideration when determining the best approach when providing direction. 

According to basic learning theory, the brain is more likely to retain content that is modeled and then applied. According to basic mom theory, kids retain the behavior they see and they will mimic that behavior — good or bad. The other day, I caught Gunner telling a lady at the grocery store, “Oops. Sorry. Excuse me.” as he was in the way of her cart. Not bragging, but I did that! Ok, I’m kinda bragging. I actually didn’t think about it until I saw him do it and then I realized how often I say it and he’s with me in public a lot.

Willow asks A LOT of questions. After I answer, she started saying, “Makes sense.” Yep…another Emily catchphrase she brought to my attention. This mimicking behavior can definitely go in the other direction. Caden’s proclivity for argument is on me. Not only do I tend to challenge what others tell me, but I have really been doing it to Caden lately. In my defense, he likes to make assumptions not based on fact and I want to promote his practice of drawing conclusions based on evidence. He sees a deer running across the road and immediately yells, “It’s a buck!” I’ve gotten in a bad habit of responding in an argumentative way. “No, that’s a doe.” I’m conditioning him to argue. I was getting so mad at him arguing all the time and then I looked at my own behavior — well, that’s humbling. His arguing was totally based on my arguing! 

Willow struggles with emotional regulation. As her world continues changing and at a more rapid rate lately, the regulation has been even more of a struggle. While valid, it’s still a problem that she needs to develop coping mechanisms to be more constructive with her responses. Luckily, she has an amazing social worker, teacher and principal at school who work with me more like a collaborative team and we can determine a cohesive approach. Her social worker created a social story with terms and analogies to communicate age-appropriate ways for her to recognize her triggers and determine an effective response. Her favorite is the “hot cocoa breath” she learned from her teacher. However, in real time, I struggle to recall the terminology and she struggles to recall the coping mechanisms. So, back to modeling! I stay calm, I start to breathe, I talk in a calm voice, and she follows my lead. When I can model constructive responses to adverse situations, then she will imitate and we can work off of common ground. Caden used to get so wrapped up in his meltdowns that the only thing I COULD do was hold him and model controlled breathing. We still resort to this on occasion.

So, Momtra #1: Kids do as I do, not as I say. 

This rolls into Momtra #2: I’m raising adults, not kids. 

Slow your “Let them be kids” roll on that second one and hear me out. I’m not raising my kids to be kids. My job is to raise them to be adults. Yes, I let them be kids because that’s the best time to explore curiosity, discover boundaries, push those boundaries and cultivate a strong sense of self-efficacy that supports confidence and growth. Letting them be kids is the vehicle which drives their evolution into adulthood. 

What I mean by the second Momtra is that I mom with the end in mind. Raising hard-working, strong, independent, kind, authentic adults is my ultimate objective and the decisions I make or behaviors I model now should be with that objective in mind. Duh — they’re my kids and that means they’ll eventually deviate from the path and challenge all I’ve tried to teach them, because they’re genetically predisposed to do exactly that and give me a stress-induced heart attack in the process. However, I’m laying down sound foundational groundwork in which they’ll land on when that self-discovery process causes them to stumble and requires solid ground to catch themselves. I want to raise adults who can do that and teach my kids the skills that it takes to be that adult. Well, that’s at least what I’m going for. 

• If my kids have questions, I don’t just answer them. I ask what they think or ask them how we can find the answer. It takes more time and patience, but I want to promote discovery and not being spoon-fed answers. 

• If my kids do something stupid, we talk about the consequences. I don’t always catch them before they do the stupid thing, though. Whether or not the consequence occurs, we have dialogue about it to make sure they understand it’s a valid consideration with any action or inaction. 

• If I make a mistake or if I illustrate an unwanted behavior, I take accountability. That’s a big one with me. I don’t allow them to blame anyone else, even if that other person really is at fault. In any situation, it’s worth looking at what could’ve been done differently by both parties involved in order to learn and grow from it. 

• If my kids want something, they earn it. Nothing is to be expected or given to them, because life is not that way. When Caden was younger and ready to start earning money for a new train set, he was still too cognitively immature to understand the concept of earning money, saving it, and then eventually buying the train set he wanted. So, I cut out the middle man. I bought the train set right away and kept it, paying him in pieces from that train set. Not many kids get that excited about being paid in train track sections, but he associated currency with that. If I clean my toys up from the living room, I get two tracks. If I unload the dishwasher, I get one track. The point of this lesson was to learn to work for what you want, not the value of money because that was too advanced at that stage. Adapt and overcome to achieve the goal, right?

There are plenty of other examples, but I hope you see where I’m going with this. These aren’t mom hacks. These are just intentional choices. 

The reason these two momtras stick out to me so much lately is because life is stressful. When you’re stressed and cortisol levels rise, your brain doesn’t always function appropriately or recall specific information accurately. That’s why test anxiety can mess with students. My kids are always giving me a pop quiz. When my kids aren’t, life wants to test my understanding and the ability to demonstrate keeping my shit together. Cue the cortisol! If I don’t know what to say, I remember that the least I can do is model the behavior I want to see them demonstrate. I decide what that behavior looks like by considering how I’d want them to respond as an adult in a similarly stressful or adverse situation. I show them. They learn. They practice. They are more likely to adopt that behavior over time and sustain it as adults. Now, this could all come back to bite me in the ass if my theory is unfounded. However, it makes sense and it also helps me keep myself together when my amygdala sends out the cortisol troops to wreak havoc on my response to Willow tying yet another booby trap in the living room to catch Santa or using the rest of my shampoo to make potions in the shower. 

• Or, when I catch Caden with another stash of gum wrappers stashed under his mattress and I’m out of gum in my purse.

• Or, when Gunner tests the viscosity of the toothpaste and practices his letters with it on the bathroom mirror.  Wait…is he the phantom toothpaste menace?! 

Having kids is God’s way of helping us to do better. It’s our chance to be better than we are, because we are leaving a legacy in the next generation and I sure as hell want to make sure I’m doing my part to leave behind adults who are contributing members of society who care about the world around them and the people in it. They can only learn that if I behave in a way that teaches them. They can only be that if I am that. I can only be that if I think about who I want them to be. Then, I hope and pray they can withstand the pressures around them that will crash on their shoulders. I can’t control whatever tidal wave hits their shores, but I can make sure they’re living a life on a foundation of solid ground and not sand that can be eroded away.